I have come to realize and live with
the knowledge that I have one absolute certainty in my life. And that
is that I am an alcoholic.
Having been sober for four years now, I
have had to make a conscious decision to start focusing on living
life and not re living my drunken state. I have to concentrate on
giving myself and those around me whom love me, what I took away
while I was drinking.
Time; Time spent in a sober state with
those I love doing what I love and what they love. Reminiscing on the
good old drunken days will no longer serve a purpose for me. Hell, we
did not get to be alcoholics by not having a blast while drinking.
Yes there was really bad times, but there was also really good times.
The problem though is that the bad times and the state of living did
not allow for the good times to become amazing, awesome, mind blowing
times.
I used to believe that I could not have
that without alcohol as the times with alcohol seemed so good, I have
proven myself wrong in this regard over the last four ears and I have
done so a multitude of times. To elaborate on the things I have done
and experienced will probably shock most, and horrify the rest. Bt
trust me on the sun block. I have experienced live, I got addicted to
living what my fantasies and the most amazing thing has happened. At
the death of each fantasy, stood the birth of a new one.
I realise that the program that gave me
this sobriety might also give me the way or at least partly in
achieving a life of being drunk on life in sobriety. I do not I will
not have to keep applying the rest of the amended program as I have
come to live it in my life. But I might find the continued route if
you want to call it that to staying sober and after all try my utmost
to better on the memories I have had the privilege of sharing with
those I love dearly.
So I looked at the 12th step
and I noticed two things in the little AA 12 and 12 booklet.
It describes the path to living sober
continuously to be achieved through two things, emotional sobriety
and a spiritual awakening.
I had a look at the se and found some
interesting things
Emotional sobriety apparently is mad up
of two parts. Negative feelings or emotions gets drawn on from two
parts of the emotional state. The part that recalls and the part that
evaluates. This simply means that when we experience an emotional
distressing situation or circumstance we draw either on past
experiences in looking for an answer or we evaluate, re evaluate and
then deal with it. Either by blocking that emotion entirely or
rethinking it carefully to draw from it the most we can. Either
positive or negative.
I don’t for one moment profess to be
emotionally sober. Hell I think I sometimes thrive on being
emotionally tipsy. Emotions is not always negative, and I would love
to be enthralled in the positive ones, the ones that makes you feel
on a high, the ones you get from truly living. Apparently this is
called a distraction technique, you know when everyone always tell
you to concentrate on the things that is positive and positive
thoughts attract positive reactions. Seemingly this principle have
been explained in science. And that is purely a technique of
concentrating on things that promotes emotional sobriety through
concentrating on positive memories and ideas. If you take a moment to
think about it, it is actually one of those things that seems so
glaringly obvious, but until its explained you never really take in
the importance of it.
The part about emotional sobriety
includes for me personally so many things on so many levels once I
started thinkng about it that once I regaded the things I see
relevant to it in my life in isolation it means so much more than
just the concept in its own.
I had to reconsider why I explained
things in my life or shared parts of it in certain ways. And the
first deep realisation was that telling people whom you care about
what you perceive they want to hear is most definitely not only wrong
but extremely unfair on them and on yourself. I also realised that
stating the absolute truth might hurt as well, but at least you are
being fair in giving the person that you engage in the opportunity to
deal with the truth and not to deal with something you assumed about
them. You are also giving them the chance to accept you for what you
are. Not what you perceive them to want you to be. Because the real
you will surface eventually and that can not be stopped.
Trying to be emotionally sober also
means for me to apply patience in things. To wait for things to play
out or happen without trying to control the outcome of every last
thing around you. The reality of it is that this is so prevalent in
the serenity prayer as well when we say “accept the things you
cannot change.”
I came to believe also that I have to
make a continued effort, to try and see the positive in other people,
even if the person might be someone that I don’t like. Looking for
positives in people and carrying that around with you seems a sight
better than worrying about them carrying the reciprocated negative
thoughts.
Then the 12th step talks
abot and describes a spiritual awakening.
It says in the 12 and 12 that the
meaning of a person that has had spiritual awakening is the
following:
“He has now become able to feel, and
believe that which he could not do before on his unaided strength and
resources alone. He has been granted a gift which amounts to a new
state of consciousness and being”
I am in no way of he furthest stretch
of the imagination a spiritual person in any way. So some might find
it surprising that I still find value in this. However this hit me so
hard when I read it as it described something about me that was born
slowly over four years.
Firstly I have not only become able to
feel, but I have become able to feel that none of my emotions either
positive or negative means anything if I do not have the ability
firstly and secondly a person to share it with. Most people in this
program look for that in a higher power, I found that in people. Yes
sometimes people betray you, sometimes your perception of that
betrayal might be warped and skew. But that is what you perceive and
not necessarily the truth even if they might be wrong about you. Fact
is. If we see the best in people even when they betray us. We will be
able to deal with it in a mature fashion.
I found that over the last two years a
person that I could really say anything to about myself. She mostly
does not even realise the value that she adds in my life. But just
that ability to allow her close and to allow her in my head with the
deepest darkest, and the most mundane is a feeling of freedom that
gives you the ability to live the way that you need to live. For this
I can never thank my life partner enough. She is my love, my lover,
my soul partner. And yes we can still be as kinky as shit after two
years and seemingly growing in it.
The last part states that I have been
granted a a new state of consciousness of being. This has most
certainly happened for me, and it has happened without a higher
power. It has happened by allowing life to happen, allowing myself to
be open to be loved for who I am, and to love others for who they
are. I suck at being conscious of others needs, but I try and just
trying to do that gets noticed sometimes.