Friday, August 26, 2011
I drank today…..
I became obsessed, I became jealous and I became someone I do not like, but that was long ago. To change that I had to stop drinking. And I did. But I stayed some of those things in some way, and in a lot of ways with a lot of help. I know now, that trust is something earned and not given, and when shocked and not earned back. Chances are that those whose trust has been shocked will become obsessed and jealous.
So I am obsessed and jealous, sober obsessed and jealous.
I decided that to change that; I will have to live the fantasy of life, I will have to do some “addiction” replacement.
Living the fantasy meant that I had to take that first drink. That I had to step over that first line. Knowing that it takes only one drink for a person like me to fall back into the way his life was before. Knowing that because of one drink I will stand a very real chance of losing it all. A real chance of not having what I have now.
I decided that the obsession and the jealousy and the shocked trust had to be replaced, and to do that I had to take the first drink of a life that I could have had. A life that lay open wide and to be explored. Until I saw your green eyes and your beautiful smile. And became addicted to a person that I would drink from every day and every night, sharing the glass of a life together.
But we let that glass slip, it fell, it shattered into a million little pieces, and I had to walk through the shards to find the broom and sweep our spilled water away.
So I took my first drink slowly and precariously while giving you space and time. I loved the sweetness that life offered. I became addicted like my sickness and personality dictates. And I became sad that I will not share this with you.
I am sad, drunk, obsessed and jealous of life, as I need to live the fantasy of my life. Everyday. And for some people fantasy is something used to hurt those that love them the most. A private affair not to be shared.