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Sunday, November 11, 2012

Emotional Sobriety


I have come to realize and live with the knowledge that I have one absolute certainty in my life. And that is that I am an alcoholic.

Having been sober for four years now, I have had to make a conscious decision to start focusing on living life and not re living my drunken state. I have to concentrate on giving myself and those around me whom love me, what I took away while I was drinking.

Time; Time spent in a sober state with those I love doing what I love and what they love. Reminiscing on the good old drunken days will no longer serve a purpose for me. Hell, we did not get to be alcoholics by not having a blast while drinking. Yes there was really bad times, but there was also really good times. The problem though is that the bad times and the state of living did not allow for the good times to become amazing, awesome, mind blowing times.

I used to believe that I could not have that without alcohol as the times with alcohol seemed so good, I have proven myself wrong in this regard over the last four ears and I have done so a multitude of times. To elaborate on the things I have done and experienced will probably shock most, and horrify the rest. Bt trust me on the sun block. I have experienced live, I got addicted to living what my fantasies and the most amazing thing has happened. At the death of each fantasy, stood the birth of a new one.

I realise that the program that gave me this sobriety might also give me the way or at least partly in achieving a life of being drunk on life in sobriety. I do not I will not have to keep applying the rest of the amended program as I have come to live it in my life. But I might find the continued route if you want to call it that to staying sober and after all try my utmost to better on the memories I have had the privilege of sharing with those I love dearly.

So I looked at the 12th step and I noticed two things in the little AA 12 and 12 booklet.

It describes the path to living sober continuously to be achieved through two things, emotional sobriety and a spiritual awakening.

I had a look at the se and found some interesting things
Emotional sobriety apparently is mad up of two parts. Negative feelings or emotions gets drawn on from two parts of the emotional state. The part that recalls and the part that evaluates. This simply means that when we experience an emotional distressing situation or circumstance we draw either on past experiences in looking for an answer or we evaluate, re evaluate and then deal with it. Either by blocking that emotion entirely or rethinking it carefully to draw from it the most we can. Either positive or negative.

I don’t for one moment profess to be emotionally sober. Hell I think I sometimes thrive on being emotionally tipsy. Emotions is not always negative, and I would love to be enthralled in the positive ones, the ones that makes you feel on a high, the ones you get from truly living. Apparently this is called a distraction technique, you know when everyone always tell you to concentrate on the things that is positive and positive thoughts attract positive reactions. Seemingly this principle have been explained in science. And that is purely a technique of concentrating on things that promotes emotional sobriety through concentrating on positive memories and ideas. If you take a moment to think about it, it is actually one of those things that seems so glaringly obvious, but until its explained you never really take in the importance of it.
The part about emotional sobriety includes for me personally so many things on so many levels once I started thinkng about it that once I regaded the things I see relevant to it in my life in isolation it means so much more than just the concept in its own.
I had to reconsider why I explained things in my life or shared parts of it in certain ways. And the first deep realisation was that telling people whom you care about what you perceive they want to hear is most definitely not only wrong but extremely unfair on them and on yourself. I also realised that stating the absolute truth might hurt as well, but at least you are being fair in giving the person that you engage in the opportunity to deal with the truth and not to deal with something you assumed about them. You are also giving them the chance to accept you for what you are. Not what you perceive them to want you to be. Because the real you will surface eventually and that can not be stopped.

Trying to be emotionally sober also means for me to apply patience in things. To wait for things to play out or happen without trying to control the outcome of every last thing around you. The reality of it is that this is so prevalent in the serenity prayer as well when we say “accept the things you cannot change.”

I came to believe also that I have to make a continued effort, to try and see the positive in other people, even if the person might be someone that I don’t like. Looking for positives in people and carrying that around with you seems a sight better than worrying about them carrying the reciprocated negative thoughts.

Then the 12th step talks abot and describes a spiritual awakening.

It says in the 12 and 12 that the meaning of a person that has had spiritual awakening is the following:
“He has now become able to feel, and believe that which he could not do before on his unaided strength and resources alone. He has been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being”

I am in no way of he furthest stretch of the imagination a spiritual person in any way. So some might find it surprising that I still find value in this. However this hit me so hard when I read it as it described something about me that was born slowly over four years.

Firstly I have not only become able to feel, but I have become able to feel that none of my emotions either positive or negative means anything if I do not have the ability firstly and secondly a person to share it with. Most people in this program look for that in a higher power, I found that in people. Yes sometimes people betray you, sometimes your perception of that betrayal might be warped and skew. But that is what you perceive and not necessarily the truth even if they might be wrong about you. Fact is. If we see the best in people even when they betray us. We will be able to deal with it in a mature fashion.

I found that over the last two years a person that I could really say anything to about myself. She mostly does not even realise the value that she adds in my life. But just that ability to allow her close and to allow her in my head with the deepest darkest, and the most mundane is a feeling of freedom that gives you the ability to live the way that you need to live. For this I can never thank my life partner enough. She is my love, my lover, my soul partner. And yes we can still be as kinky as shit after two years and seemingly growing in it.

The last part states that I have been granted a a new state of consciousness of being. This has most certainly happened for me, and it has happened without a higher power. It has happened by allowing life to happen, allowing myself to be open to be loved for who I am, and to love others for who they are. I suck at being conscious of others needs, but I try and just trying to do that gets noticed sometimes.  

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Happiness


We go through life learning it's little lessons, also the big ones. Mostly we take note of these. But rarely do we go and sit and take cognisant note of exactly we have learnt from our actions or that of others. Rarely do we fully appreciate the full implications of what we have done, not done or should have or not have done.

Balancing life's lessons becomes a bit of a juggling act in an ever ongoing game of learning and applying those little grey areas that could very well become black blotches in our make up as human beings.

As a recovering drunk its been difficult to stay sober, as a sober person its also been difficult at times. But the most difficult part I think has been to learn to live. Not just to survive and to go about things every day doing what I do. But to really fucking LIVE.

I have sacrificed so much for that which I came not to believe in, and then some for that which I did come to believe in. Its the learning curve of life one massive curve of try and try again. Remembering now how I said to my father as a teenager that I need to make my own mistakes, that I want to learn from my own screw ups. I see myself doing things and living this wonderful life. I realise that from the outside sometimes it must seem that it is awesome to live this life. A life of love of passion and of doing the things that I want to do. Well mostly, as I also learnt recently that giving up on some dreams is not necessarily a weakness but could be a strength within. It is not weakness to let go of your own desires and sacrifice them for those who hold you dear, that cherish you in their lives.

We have to be true to ourselves, we tell ourselves that every day. But being true to yourself at the expense of those close and dear to you, makes no sense either. I did this program of recovery having to say to a lot of people how I had wronged them and apologising with an accompanying question of 'How do I make it better for you” and in doing that learnt the value of true forgiveness and taking responsibility for my wrongs. I vowed to never have to do that again.

Yet I find myself doing so quite often. I do apply the principle still, but the sober godless alcoholic screws up too... a lot!
And he has to say sorry.. a lot!

I have learnt is that the balancing act of living your life at the expense of someone else’s happiness has a default setting in screwing up the happiness that you were chasing in the first place.

Finding what makes you happy while still adding value to the lives of others seems to be a difficult road but one well worth traveling.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

“What’s the use of staying sober?”


Do I sometimes wonder; “What’s the use of staying sober?”

Sue de Bruyn a good friend asked me this question today. And it seems it one of those questions we know the answers to and even know we knew the question was there somewhere, but never really considered exactly what the answer would be unless the question is physically asked.

In the beginning of my sobriety this question haunted me probably every waking moment of every waking day. However as time went by I think there is somewhere in every drunks sobriety a fine line in time. A line where the idea of alcohol and planning your life around it, and being constantly conscious of the need for it is crossed in sobriety. It has certainly been for me a line that I was not consciously aware of crossing until I was confronted with this question. It was then that I realized within myself. How I used to be and how I am now with regards to that constant awareness of alcohol and the need for it that needs to be suppressed.

Looking back on the year of 2011 I can honestly say that every single reason to drink again was represented to me by life.

Things ranging from deaths of close friends, a struggling business, having to let go of people that has been loyal to me because of the necessity of cutting down on expenses due to a divorce, a wife that has had an affair before and disguised a second one with blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in her life while separating from me without having the decency to ask for a divorce. But rather chose to pursue a second relationship without honesty. Honesty that I had given her when I felt that need.

Those are but a few things, and if I had to start listing the individual events, it would most certainly take me along the route of considering drinking again, as has happened on numerous occasions.

However I think that line that gets crossed of being constantly aware of a craving or need for a drink becoming less prominent leads to another line, one where we become aware of the things we have gained by staying sober. And for me the value in my darkest hour of sobriety far surpasses the state of my life in its best hour while drinking.

Thinking back on a chaotic life where there was no direction no plan and no real friendship or relationship worthwhile and comparing that to what I have found in sobriety makes the choice so glaringly obvious that the action of drinking would equal having healthy legs amputated.

I have gained three years of a sexual relationship with my wife, as well as a relationship as a whole. I have also lost her through choices of both my own and hers but the time she gave me still remains precious. And that I still value daily.

I have gained a life shared with my son, one that was marred by drinking every day, the lack of respect from others because I was present but absent. And I managed to turn that around in sobriety. Becoming a man he can look up to because I am not constantly under the influence.

I went back to exercising, I lost my massive stomach (23 kg so far) and go to gym, because the drinking time is now gym time. This gave me an ability to do physical activities with my son that I would never have been able to while drinking.
I can go swimming with him sober and not drunk and incapable of looking after myself never mind a 5 year old.

My now separated wife agreed to joint custody. A trust I would never have deserved or gotten in a drinking life.

 The business decisions I make I can make with confidence and without regret.

I have gained a state of financial independence, I am not rich and there are still months that are rough. But I can manage to stay credit worthy. Pay my bills and even buy my kid a present every now and again. Even though I am now paying for a household on my own that used to be supported by a substantial second income. I am surviving, something that would not have happened while I was drinking.

Sobriety have given me so much that the days when I ask myself whether there is use in staying sober I only have to look at what I have gained in sobriety to prevent myself from amputating my legs while they are healthy and functioning. 

Monday, December 12, 2011

What does alcohol do to you?


Every person that has every drunk heavily knows what the mother of all hangovers feel like. That is perhaps the one thing I miss the least about my drinking days. That feeling of the morning after, thinking back to those mornings now makes my stomach turn, and I ask myself how it could be possible that did that this to my body every single day for close on 18 years.

I remember headaches, sore body, stiffness, bloated stomach, heartburn, acid that normally made me wretch in the mornings. Not even considering the emotional damage I caused to others and the financial screw ups. Purely looking back on the physical side of things I look back and I see an overweight, bloated ugly person that slept next to the person he loved with all his heart with a stinking breath every night. That could not have been easy for Debbie, and she has my every respect for how she managed to deal with me. Also not without fault all the time but still she stuck around. Even today, after she has left me as a sober person. I hold the highest regard for her endurance and tolerance towards me and our relationship back then. I smell people every now and again and it truly repulses me now. So I cannot imagine how she endured it. Even that morning after breath and the taste of the stale alcohol in your mouth seems so fresh in my memory.

I took the time and compiled a list of the diseases caused by alcohol abuse. What I did to my body, the body that I have one chance at carrying me through this life.

There is the obvious side effect of developing alcoholism, however I have a feeling that if you are reading this you either have an alcoholic in your life, or you are pretty sure that you are an alcoholic, even though you might not be ready to admit your status to yourself yet.

Listing
Cardiovascular disease, malabsorption, chronic pancreatitis, alcoholic liver disease, cancer, damage to central nervous system, damage to peripheral nervous system, coronary heart disease, peripheral arterial disease, heart attack and stroke, cardiomyopathy, hematologic diseases, stroke. Damage to the brain includes, impaired adolescent brain development, neuroinflamation, changes in dopaminegeric and glutamatergic signaling pathways, inhibition of hippocampal neurogenesis (In short drinking makes you dumb, and you lose your short term memory), cognition and dementia, tremors, sleep disorders, mental health effects. There are digestive system and weight gain problems wich includes, metabolic syndrome, gallbladder effects, liver diseases including sclerosis of the liver, pancreatitis. Other systems are affected as well including, alcoholic ling disease, kidney stones, sexual dysfunction, hormonal imbalance, diabetes, arthritis, osteoporosis, skin defects. The immune system is affected in the following ways. Increased chances of bacterial infections, common colds are pronounced, cancers.

The saddest of alcoholic related diseases is certainly fetal alcohol syndrome, I have seen what a mother looks like when she comes to realize that she has taken away her child’s chances of having a normal life and has to look at the face of a child daily of whom she realizes she has in essence been the cause of that child’s condition, and that she did it willingly for her own pleasure. It is one of the saddest things I have seen in my life and it leaves a lasting impression.

In short, I know that for me to drink, means I am going to die. I will kill myself willingly if I drink again.

When I first went to an AA meeting it was explained to me that when alcoholics put alcohol into their bodies, something different happens from what happens to the Muggels (normal people) this does not mean that I am a weaker person or that there is something wrong with my mind or that I am dysfunctional. It means that my body is a bit different and that I have a sickness that causes my body to want more and more and more, where the next person’s body tells him to stop drinking when he feels he becomes intoxicated, my disease makes me want more.

Some of the associated effects that alcohol has on people’s lives includes.

Family violence, (this goes both ways, both because family members and spouses will lash out at a drunk, and it might be the cause of the violence) emotional abuse, (again goes both ways) impaired judgment, ( a loss of a sense of right and wrong) and a multitude of other things too long to list here.

Some of the things I am so happy that I have not had to feel in three years:

  1. Trying to remember what I did and said the night before.
  2. Trying to remember what my wife (or any other person) did and said the night before.
  3. Facing the screw ups I made the night before.
  4. Seeing my wife run into the arms of another man from being happy to see him and being to drunk to really care.
  5. Falling asleep with a baby in my arms in front of the TV.
  6. Missing the first two years of my child’s life.
  7. The feeling of dread when I cannot remember what I did the night before.
  8. The immediate physical damage to my body like cuts from glass and bar fights.
  9. The feeling of utter stupidity when I realized I was not as liked as I thought I was at the pubs, neither funny or even respected, but just tolerated because I paid.
  10. The worst of all, is the damage I did to others, and the hurt I caused emotionally to the people who loves and loved me.

The reality is that alcohol does not only destroy the life of the drunk, it destroys the lives of people close to him, the ones whom love him, and the ones whom has to look at a person they love destroying himself and them.

One would think that these things are enough to make a person stop drinking and look for help. The sad fact is that in most cases it is not. There is a feeling that only fellow alcoholics can recognize and identify with. That is that you in some way realize your problem but feel helpless, powerless and the very idea of stopping seems impossible and an exercise based in futility. The fact is that it is not, it can be done and like writing a final exam millions before you have done it. You are not too weak. You are stronger than you think.

I am an alcoholic and I can witness through the change in my own life that I never want to go back to those days, I have been able to grab at a second chance to life, and I intend taking it to the absolute maximum.

It is possible to stop, it is possible to regain your life, it is possible to become human again, it is possible to not be the problem and cancer in other peoples lives, it is possible to be a person others can depend on and it is possible to regain trust however long that process might seem. Time and sobriety heals, and working through a few basics steps that helps you deal with your problem gives you a second chance, and everyone deserves a second chance.

My name is Christo Hoffmann, I am a sober alcoholic living with my sickness and working at living life every day. I am thankful for every day of sobriety that I give myself. 

Friday, December 9, 2011

What makes me an alcoholic?


I loved alcohol. Mostly whiskey, Brandy, Rum, Wine and… oh hell. I loved alcohol in most flavors and tastes. I really could not care what I drank as long as I had it. But I don’t think I would have been an alcoholic if it tasted bad... duh!!

That is not the point though; I think what made me an alcoholic is what happens when I put the stuff in my body. I never drank uncontrollably as if it was my last drink ever… except that is, for my last drink.

When I drank, my body, mind, and being told me that I needed more. I have often seen people who can have a few drinks and when they start feeling it say that they have had enough and that they are stopping now. That was not me. When I reached that point I needed more drink, I needed to get to that feel good place that I found safety in. Where life was good and I did not have to face reality or any of the things that I had to face daily. I did not want to grow up. I wanted to be a kid forever. Enjoy life and play. Really like a kid would want to play with his toys constantly.

I understand that it is different for everyone. You have binge drinkers whom will justify their alcoholism with the fact that they don’t drink daily. But what sets them apart from other alcoholics is that it is probably more difficult for them to stop. As the constant self ratification and the justification to drink is found in the fact that they don’t drink every day. I drank every day and I know that at stages I did exactly this; however the bad things that happened when I drank did not stop when I binged. They still happened. And this is also true for binge drinkers. This is but one example of the diversity of types of alcoholics.

I believe that you get as many types of alcoholics and addicts as you get people. Each of us are unique in our personalities and our beliefs, disbeliefs and our outlook on life. I will never know what it feels like to be the next person, as I can never feel the next person’s elation, pain and general discourse in life. In the same way I can never "feel" another persons addiction. I can identify though and I do know that when I drink bad things happen. And the more I drink and the more regularly I drink the sliding scale of the fuckups I cause or get involved in changes its gradient dramatically.

I have heard a lot of people asking how they would know whether they have a drinking problem or not. The test for this in my mind at least is simple.

Ask yourself these questions.

  1. Do bad things happen when I drink?
  2. Can I start and stop drinking at any given time while drinking?
  3. Can you go to a function where alcohol is consumed by others and not drink without it bugging you?
  4. Can you stop drinking for extended periods and not crave a drink?
  5. If you have to ask yourself whether you are an alcoholic; is that not reason in it self to admit to yourself that you have a problem already?

I think that if you answer the above questions honestly to yourself the answer to your alcoholic status becomes glaringly obvious.

There are a lot of misconceptions about alcoholics and what they are. 

An alcoholic is not necessarily someone that finds his residence on a park bench. An alcoholic is not someone that has lost everything. An alcoholic is not necessarily an aggressive wife beater. An alcoholic is not necessarily someone that drinks during the day. An alcoholic is not necessarily someone that is uncontrollable in the presence of alcohol. An alcoholic is not necessarily irrational. An alcoholic is not necessarily someone that has lost everything in life. An alcoholic is not necessarily a man.

Although the above may be true, if an alcoholic does not do something about his condition; he might become any or ALL of the above. There are very successful people whom also carry the active alcoholic badge.

I never hit my wife, I became aggressive yes, and I drank uncontrollably at times. I almost lost everything in life on more than one occasion. I did lose people that I love very much, long after I stopped drinking even as the effects of our actions while actively drinking has long lasting effects on our lives.

It is the lucky ones like me that find a way to stop, that find a way to become a functioning human beings again. We learn to live with our addiction; we learn to grow and to face life without our crutch. We learn that life happens and we learn most of all that our best day drunk does not touch our worst day sober in terms of happiness and contentment.  

I became the Godless Alcoholic because I learnt to live this live as a functioning human being with mistakes and good and bad points like everyone else does. I learnt to be human. Because of the gift of sobriety.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I came to believe that I am responsible to restore myself to sanity

I sobered up, knowing for a while before doing so that I would die if did not. I knew that I would lose the two people I love most if I did not. I found out however that I had already lost the one. To explain to someone that the centre of your life has been ripped out and torn apart because of the person who is the centre of your life is difficult.

To the day, the words ring in my ears. She said under a patio while I held a glass of whiskey in my hand. “I refuse to discuss my affair while you are drinking” I threw the glass away. Somehow, I knew that this time it was not just until tomorrow night. And when she said to me “No, not just for tonight” It came as no surprise.

I joined AA, they saved my life purely through a strange sense of belonging. But somewhere things got a bit confused. I stayed sober for more than a year before I worked up the courage to start working the program, step one was the easy one. Admitting my sickness to myself and the world, what came after that was the bitch. Having to come to believe that a Power greater than yourself can take your sickness away from you, is in itself a spiritual thing... It is intrinsically believing that there is a Power greater than yourself, that can literally lift your sickness and cravings, and everything that worked in concert to make you go down that road in the first place and make it seem obsolete.

I now know that that is a pie in the sky theory, the same as Christianity in which the program is based. As the second step in this road to recovery intrinsically keeps your head open to the possibility of a Supernatural power greater than yourself. And I did not and do not believe that there is such a being.

On the night of my first years sobriety celebration I was told that I have come this far, and it is now time for me to start “making things right with the Old Man” The person who said this was my first sponsor, and he was brought to this meeting by my in laws.

On the night of my second anniversary they made a scene and left, because I did not greet them first before a new member that needed someone to talk to.

Soon after this they told her in front of me. “You have lost your identity, you are no longer the independent person we knew”

I predicted “ They have made you choose, and blood is thicker than water”

Six months later she left, I stopped making any attempt of hiding my beliefs after their little reclaiming of their daughter. I lost my wife, sober for two and a half years. But only after I had to drag everything I needed to know about her infidelity from her like a dentist would a tooth. Only difference, it was a repeated process. Over and over and over.

Through her leaving she degraded and belittled me through a process of new relationships, a process of taking things that was ours to an AA group that is based in Christianity and putting my private life in the open. This by the person that called herself a private person, not a public person. The deep seated hurt that I must have caused her to do that still haunts me.

Through all f this I made a lot of other mistakes, I made serious fuck ups. But not one that I would not repeat in essence. As those choices came to define me. They came to be things that has made me embrace my labels.

I worked the program with a different sponsor, someone that understood that I should not be pushed in that direction. And the program worked for me and in some weird way still does, but I have to understand that I am responsible for the happiness that has come my way through the heartache and pain and bitterness, that sober Christians helped me achieve and maintain for more than a year.

I am alone now, but I am happy, I am responsible and I am sober. For the first time in my life I know that my happiness is my responsibility, and I can not look at anyone else for it. That for me to drink is to die, and for me to consider drinking is to consider losing every ounce of happiness that I am responsible for.

If I look now at what I lost, I realise that what I have lost is mostly other peoples acceptance. And in all honesty, I would rather look my son in the eye a sober, honest, kinky and polyamorous atheist, than a drunk lying, deceiving and pathetic Christian.

I am responsible for my own happiness.

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Rant about our inner animals

I was robbed of my nuts, slow castration of the animal in my brain was painless through years of numbed alcoholic daze. But the final rip, tug and pull of the emotional abuse that severed the remaining strings of the manliness inside my heart, while she screamed and told me not to touch her in front of my son. Secured me, secured the animal inside.

With that began a final journey the final straight of the athlete that had to run, run for his life to a finish line that seemed to lie in a next dimension.

We are animals. We are animals. Do we know this? Some are lucky as they are never robbed, either through their own strength or just perhaps because they were lucky enough that she or someone like her did not cross their path. So some get to realise that they are animals in their instinct, need and desire. Some are lucky enough to remove some of the tenderness in the act of fucking and give heed to the animal. There is an intrinsic violent nature to the sex act that secures the existence of the species which should be natural. But somewhere we gave away our nuts, or it got ripped off by mutual consent. Some are lucky to discover that the act of penetrating and thrusting a foreign object into a females body is a violent act by nature, and no amount of cuddling or caressing can remove the intrinsic need of violence from us animals fucking.

So some are robbed, some give away their male essence in their sex. Some just do not need the violent nature, and some need it in reverse.

We find relationships, we marry. We start that lifelong relationship based on a presumption that its built on mutual respect, confidence in monogamy, confidence in commitment and expectation of a life together. We start life time partnerships on the premise that it will be exactly that. A lifetime relationship. There is no expectation that a relationship like that might end. Because we enter into it with exactly the opposite expectation; that it will last forever.

But when one party in that relationship starts a secondary relationship, it is started on the premise that it will end.

This lends an ironic sadism to secondary relationships and what they do to unsuspecting partners. Unsuspecting partners that expect exclusivity does not expect the rejection hurt and shock of the act that rips their nuts from their brains. Because they expect it to last, where as the secondary partner expects no such thing, they expect and are prepared for it to end. The secondary partner will always be emotionally stable while the primary breaks into pieces. As the end is expected. The end looms every day, and the end of the relationship makes every moment of that relationship valuable to those involved as any day could be the last, any fuck over an office table, or blow job on a kitchen counter or night in a hotel room could be the last. So the passion is not removed, the tenderness not reserved for them, the tender expectancies is reserved for the one waiting to be castrated at home to clean the kitchen counter, or to smell the wife reeking of another's cum as she walks in the house, or counting the blue marks on the loving tender wife that treats him with disdain when he dares ask why she smells like sex.

None of this however removes the fact that we remain animals, and that sex is by nature violent. It actually helps in understanding exactly that.

That we are able to be men. That we are able to fuck violently as animals do. That we can cause blue marks. That we can have them on their knees in front of us sucking cock on a kitchen counter, and bending over their office tables, or cum on their tits in hotel rooms because we are animals.

And once we remove our little safety nets of lifetime relationships and what we expect from them. Including the white picket fence, little white house, with three kids, overdraft and two Alsations. And replace that with with a small fisherman's home, with a white picket fence, a pit bull bitch and a dungeon. Then do we stand a chance of discovering that we can fuck like animals, and love.

Then we realise that our own expectation of love and what we thought it was is exactly what fucked us in the first place. What is emotion? A gentle stroke? A soft sensual kiss? A slow penetration? Or a slap on that backside with sudden unexpected rough entry to the hilt? The political correct answer would be that there is no correct answer and as much as that might be correct in most cases, when the possibility of an endless relationship is removed. Which one sounds more alluring? Sensual love making or raw passionate fucking?

People choose monogamy or should I say they choose monogamy with an ever present possibility of being attracted somewhere else to animal behaviour. Others choose polyamory, and it does not matter how much we sugar coat it the claim to say that secondary relationships fulfills different needs with different people in an honest open fashion. Serves exactly the same purpose as a monogamous person fucking a lover.

So I guess what I am saying is that it sounds easy to to say I am looking for lifetime monogamous happiness without the possibility of an end to the relationship; which idea belongs in Utopia, or I can enter each relationship as if it is the last day with that person. Each time we make love, fuck like rug rats. Each time we make love draw into the others inner animal and fuck their senses, senseless. As no amount of paperwork will remove the pedigree bitch from her cunt smelling like sex when she has fucked the leader of another pack.