Tuesday, October 16, 2012
We go through life learning it's little lessons, also the big ones. Mostly we take note of these. But rarely do we go and sit and take cognisant note of exactly we have learnt from our actions or that of others. Rarely do we fully appreciate the full implications of what we have done, not done or should have or not have done.
Balancing life's lessons becomes a bit of a juggling act in an ever ongoing game of learning and applying those little grey areas that could very well become black blotches in our make up as human beings.
As a recovering drunk its been difficult to stay sober, as a sober person its also been difficult at times. But the most difficult part I think has been to learn to live. Not just to survive and to go about things every day doing what I do. But to really fucking LIVE.
I have sacrificed so much for that which I came not to believe in, and then some for that which I did come to believe in. Its the learning curve of life one massive curve of try and try again. Remembering now how I said to my father as a teenager that I need to make my own mistakes, that I want to learn from my own screw ups. I see myself doing things and living this wonderful life. I realise that from the outside sometimes it must seem that it is awesome to live this life. A life of love of passion and of doing the things that I want to do. Well mostly, as I also learnt recently that giving up on some dreams is not necessarily a weakness but could be a strength within. It is not weakness to let go of your own desires and sacrifice them for those who hold you dear, that cherish you in their lives.
We have to be true to ourselves, we tell ourselves that every day. But being true to yourself at the expense of those close and dear to you, makes no sense either. I did this program of recovery having to say to a lot of people how I had wronged them and apologising with an accompanying question of 'How do I make it better for you” and in doing that learnt the value of true forgiveness and taking responsibility for my wrongs. I vowed to never have to do that again.
Yet I find myself doing so quite often. I do apply the principle still, but the sober godless alcoholic screws up too... a lot!
And he has to say sorry.. a lot!
I have learnt is that the balancing act of living your life at the expense of someone else’s happiness has a default setting in screwing up the happiness that you were chasing in the first place.
Finding what makes you happy while still adding value to the lives of others seems to be a difficult road but one well worth traveling.