Sunday, November 11, 2012
I have come to realize and live with the knowledge that I have one absolute certainty in my life. And that is that I am an alcoholic.
Having been sober for four years now, I have had to make a conscious decision to start focusing on living life and not re living my drunken state. I have to concentrate on giving myself and those around me whom love me, what I took away while I was drinking.
Time; Time spent in a sober state with those I love doing what I love and what they love. Reminiscing on the good old drunken days will no longer serve a purpose for me. Hell, we did not get to be alcoholics by not having a blast while drinking. Yes there was really bad times, but there was also really good times. The problem though is that the bad times and the state of living did not allow for the good times to become amazing, awesome, mind blowing times.
I used to believe that I could not have that without alcohol as the times with alcohol seemed so good, I have proven myself wrong in this regard over the last four ears and I have done so a multitude of times. To elaborate on the things I have done and experienced will probably shock most, and horrify the rest. Bt trust me on the sun block. I have experienced live, I got addicted to living what my fantasies and the most amazing thing has happened. At the death of each fantasy, stood the birth of a new one.
I realise that the program that gave me this sobriety might also give me the way or at least partly in achieving a life of being drunk on life in sobriety. I do not I will not have to keep applying the rest of the amended program as I have come to live it in my life. But I might find the continued route if you want to call it that to staying sober and after all try my utmost to better on the memories I have had the privilege of sharing with those I love dearly.
So I looked at the 12th step and I noticed two things in the little AA 12 and 12 booklet.
It describes the path to living sober continuously to be achieved through two things, emotional sobriety and a spiritual awakening.
I had a look at the se and found some interesting things
Emotional sobriety apparently is mad up of two parts. Negative feelings or emotions gets drawn on from two parts of the emotional state. The part that recalls and the part that evaluates. This simply means that when we experience an emotional distressing situation or circumstance we draw either on past experiences in looking for an answer or we evaluate, re evaluate and then deal with it. Either by blocking that emotion entirely or rethinking it carefully to draw from it the most we can. Either positive or negative.
I don’t for one moment profess to be emotionally sober. Hell I think I sometimes thrive on being emotionally tipsy. Emotions is not always negative, and I would love to be enthralled in the positive ones, the ones that makes you feel on a high, the ones you get from truly living. Apparently this is called a distraction technique, you know when everyone always tell you to concentrate on the things that is positive and positive thoughts attract positive reactions. Seemingly this principle have been explained in science. And that is purely a technique of concentrating on things that promotes emotional sobriety through concentrating on positive memories and ideas. If you take a moment to think about it, it is actually one of those things that seems so glaringly obvious, but until its explained you never really take in the importance of it.
The part about emotional sobriety includes for me personally so many things on so many levels once I started thinkng about it that once I regaded the things I see relevant to it in my life in isolation it means so much more than just the concept in its own.
I had to reconsider why I explained things in my life or shared parts of it in certain ways. And the first deep realisation was that telling people whom you care about what you perceive they want to hear is most definitely not only wrong but extremely unfair on them and on yourself. I also realised that stating the absolute truth might hurt as well, but at least you are being fair in giving the person that you engage in the opportunity to deal with the truth and not to deal with something you assumed about them. You are also giving them the chance to accept you for what you are. Not what you perceive them to want you to be. Because the real you will surface eventually and that can not be stopped.
Trying to be emotionally sober also means for me to apply patience in things. To wait for things to play out or happen without trying to control the outcome of every last thing around you. The reality of it is that this is so prevalent in the serenity prayer as well when we say “accept the things you cannot change.”
I came to believe also that I have to make a continued effort, to try and see the positive in other people, even if the person might be someone that I don’t like. Looking for positives in people and carrying that around with you seems a sight better than worrying about them carrying the reciprocated negative thoughts.
Then the 12th step talks abot and describes a spiritual awakening.
It says in the 12 and 12 that the meaning of a person that has had spiritual awakening is the following:
“He has now become able to feel, and believe that which he could not do before on his unaided strength and resources alone. He has been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being”
I am in no way of he furthest stretch of the imagination a spiritual person in any way. So some might find it surprising that I still find value in this. However this hit me so hard when I read it as it described something about me that was born slowly over four years.
Firstly I have not only become able to feel, but I have become able to feel that none of my emotions either positive or negative means anything if I do not have the ability firstly and secondly a person to share it with. Most people in this program look for that in a higher power, I found that in people. Yes sometimes people betray you, sometimes your perception of that betrayal might be warped and skew. But that is what you perceive and not necessarily the truth even if they might be wrong about you. Fact is. If we see the best in people even when they betray us. We will be able to deal with it in a mature fashion.
I found that over the last two years a person that I could really say anything to about myself. She mostly does not even realise the value that she adds in my life. But just that ability to allow her close and to allow her in my head with the deepest darkest, and the most mundane is a feeling of freedom that gives you the ability to live the way that you need to live. For this I can never thank my life partner enough. She is my love, my lover, my soul partner. And yes we can still be as kinky as shit after two years and seemingly growing in it.
The last part states that I have been granted a a new state of consciousness of being. This has most certainly happened for me, and it has happened without a higher power. It has happened by allowing life to happen, allowing myself to be open to be loved for who I am, and to love others for who they are. I suck at being conscious of others needs, but I try and just trying to do that gets noticed sometimes.